Ripples … doubt … conversations with God

One of my favorite TV shows is Joan of Arcadia. It came on quite a while ago and is currently being re-aired on the Sci-Fi channel.

In the show a young girl named Joan sees and talks to God.  He shows up in her day to day life and might take the form of a child, an old lady … even a tree trimmer.

He gives her assignments which are never obvious and always confusing. Sometimes it’s a straight suggestion like, “Join the debate team”. More often He is more allusive. He will tell her to “keep her eyes open” and then she has to figure out what she is supposed to see.

In one episode she adopts a feral cat and follows a pamphlet that tells her how to tame it. She and her family use the same tactics (without really noticing it) to “tame” a crabby aunt that stays with them after some medical problems.

I love the show because it shows the ripples that are made by decisions we make. I’m shown that just by doing one simple thing that seems very inconsequential … the ripples touch people I may not even know.

Joan ends up getting Lyme disease from a tick bite. The doctors tell her that one of the symptoms is hallucinations. She begins to think that all the sightings of God were part of the disease. She feels like she really is crazy and that God was never real. There is just enough doubt planted in her heart to alter her faith.

After spending time at “crazy camp” Joan decides to ignore God and live without Him so that she can avoid feeling crazy. There is a scene where she breaks up with Him and tells Him she never wants to see Him again. She even does the whole “it’s not You, it’s me” thing.

Not long after that conversation … she’s drinking. Something she never did before going “crazy”. All her friends are getting frustrated with her. She claims she’s just being herself. But this is a “her” they’ve never seen.

When one of her friends almost dies from drinking too much. She realizes that she needs God in her life.

In Joan’s decision to “break up with God” I saw myself, a little more clearly. I too had a time in my life where God just suddenly didn’t make sense. My faith seemed like a childish thing and the idea that there was a God seemed silly. There was also a part of me that had been feeling “crazy”. Why wouldn’t He fix those feelings? If there really was a God then …

I decided I wanted to be myself for once. It’s interesting that I suddenly felt like everything was a lie. Reality was … this new me … was the lie. My true self was who I had been when I was with God. It was the “me” that all my friends knew. There had been just enough doubt planted in my heart … to make everything appear false. My entire foundation began to shatter.

It took me longer to “sober up” than it did Joan. Sometimes I wish my life could be fixed in a one hour episode like it is on TV. My story isn’t scripted … so it takes a little longer to sort out.  Thankfully, it continues to “sort out” and God is patient.